Tried to Vote Twice, Cast Ballots for Trump AND Cruz

By Sloth

Speaking to reporters gathered outside the Terra Haute County Jail, Satan gave a shout out to “my boys in C-block” before explaining his motivation for voting twice in the Indiana Republican primary.

“I couldn’t help myself,” said the Font of All Evil. “It’s a win-win.”

“I’m talking to them about running as a ticket, but there are the obvious ego issues,” he said from a steaming, burning cauldron of pain and despair. “I need to get Ted interested in doing the whole Cheney power-behind-the-throne thing. Maybe if Heidi can talk to some of her Goldman Sachs pals about Haliburton stock it will sweeten the deal.”

“Put those two morally bereft husks of humanity together and they could do some epic fucking damage,” The Lord of Darkness exclaimed, leaning over to suggestively touch the female figure of the Scales of Justice statue. “It’ll be like Stalin’s Russia meets Vegas. I haven’t been this giddy since I pitched the Borg idea to the Star Trek people.”

With that he reached over and grabbed the throat of a reporter from the local Fox News affiliate and pulled her through a portal that appeared behind him which no light could penetrate. Over the sound of agonized screams and the “Fox and Friends” theme music, Satan could be heard saying, “How many words a minute do you type? I’m going to give Rupert Murdoch and Rush Limbaugh access to a secretary pool.”

(May 2016)