The Logical Solution To Easing Our Fears

By D. Allan Kerr

Someday, someone with real stones is going to run for the Oval Office.

In recent weeks we’ve heard proposals to register Muslims living in the United States, to put their mosques under surveillance, and to ban foreign Muslims from entering the United States. None of these steps go far enough.

The logical solution is pretty clear but no one has the guts to say it. I have nothing to gain or to lose, so I’ll be the first: We need to ship out the Muslims who are already here.

I know peace-loving hippie types will probably call this politically incorrect, but strong measures need to be considered concerning the safety and security of these United States. As we’ve seen recently, homegrown Muslims are every bit as dangerous as the radical jihadists overseas.

As long as we’re finally going to get rid of all the illegal immigrants in this country, it makes sense to clean out the Muslims as well. Then our borders and our interior will be secure.

Unfortunately, this means my absolute boyhood idol and fellow Kentucky native, Muhammad Ali, will have to go. True, the greatest heavyweight in boxing history doesn’t pose much of a physical threat these days since he’s 73 years old, confined to a wheelchair and battling Parkinson’s Disease. But he can still, you know, poison the minds of young Islamics who revere him.

Fellow boxing greats Mike Tyson and Bernard Hopkins will have to be shipped out as well, although I realize Tyson’s loss might put a dent in any future “Hangover” sequels.

Sports legends Shaquille O’Neal, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Hakeem Olajuwon – three of the greatest centers in basketball history — should obviously go out on the first boat. Aqib Talib was one of my favorite New England Patriots before he went to Denver, but he’ll have to be on board as well.

And that Dr. Oz guy, who I always sensed was a menace, is definitely out of here.

This plan would also pretty much clean out the rap music industry, which is obviously a bonus for all regular Americans – although I’ll miss Ice Cube because he’s pretty funny in those “Jump Street” movies. But we won’t have to worry about Snoop Dogg, Akon, T-Pain, Q-Tip, Nas, Everlast, Mos Def and other rabble-rousing rappers anymore.

I’ll personally be disappointed to lose comedian Dave Chappelle because he is one hilarious dude, and the fact that I like him always made me seem cool to my kids.

If physically expelling the nation’s Muslims proves to be impractical, maybe we can just round them up and relocate them all into a single location. That worked pretty well with the Japanese living in America during World War II, and with the Indians – sorry, Native Americans – when we tamed the Wild West. It definitely worked out for Germany’s Jewish problem in the last century.

Maybe we can give Muslims the state of Kansas, someplace smack-dab in the middle of the country so we can keep an eye on them from all sides.

But to be a truly safe nation we need to be vigilant against radical Christians as well.

Due to the overwhelming number of Christians in the country it might not be feasible to ship them out of the country or even corral them into a single location, but we can at least register them. There’s no question that Christian terrorists pose nearly as great a threat as their Muslim counterparts.

Just a couple of weeks ago, Robert Lewis Dear Jr. gunned down several people, killing three – one a uniformed policeman, another an Iraq War veteran – during an attack at a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic. Media reports later described Dear as an evangelical Christian who admired the “Army of God” terrorist group.

Dylann Roof, who killed nine African-American worshippers in Charleston, South Carolina, this past June, belonged to a local Lutheran congregation.

And of course Timothy McVeigh, who was raised a Catholic, orchestrated one of the worst terrorist attacks in American history with his bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building, killing 168 people.

Basically, we aren’t safe from anyone who believes in anything.

Is this plan allowing our fears to play into the hands of our enemies by withdrawing into a shell from the rest of the world like a big frightened turtle? Well, yeah.

But wouldn’t you rather be scared crapless and safe than try to live up to some sort of outdated inane ambivalent higher moral principle?

D. Allan Kerr believes sometimes paranoia is the best offense.

(December 11, 2015)

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